Day 1 (Unexpected Adventure)

Life is unpredictable. We can’t control everything. We are not invincible. 

I’m learning…in a painfully slow way…that those truths are blessings in disguise. They point us to our Savior. His promises are proven. He controls everything. He is always there and holds everything together. 

I’m going to start writing my thoughts, whatever they may be, every day until I can dance again. I have found that I don’t really know what is going on in my heart or mind until I tell someone or write it down, so this is my outlet. I am going to document my adventure. The adventure I have been begging the Lord to take me on for years, just not the adventure I was expecting.

A little bit of background: 
My life turned upside down around mid-November to early December of last year. I had a life changing break up and a dream shaking injury. One week before I was to debut in my first principal roles of my career, I broke my foot. Devastating. On the morning of December 3rd, I woke up, spent time with my Jesus and these are the lyrics I wrote down,

In the valley, Oh God, you’re near

In the quiet, Oh God, you’re near
In the shadow, Oh God, you’re near
At my breaking, Oh God, you’re near
Oh God, you never leave my side
Your love will stand firm for all my life.”

I wrote the word “near” on my hand. I went to class, danced, walked, laughed, then I went to rehearsal for snow pas. The first half was amazing. Pure joy. What I was made to do, with music that romanced my heart. Then, I took one wrong step, one wrong step, and I was done. I couldn’t even walk. I have been on crutches ever since. It has been over 10 weeks. 

Since that moment, I have experienced every single emotion. I have felt things that were once so foreign to me. This humbling loss and utter lack of control has shaken me and tested my faith more than anything ever before. 

For the first couple of weeks I was so sad, but seemingly positive. I kept repeating His promises and reminding myself that His plan is good and He could heal me at any moment, and I thought He would. I was sure I would be almost dancing by now or at the very least, walking. Yet, here I am, Netflix binging and cross stitching while everyone is at work rehearsing my favorite ballet.

Some days it is easier to be sad and bitter than to try to see the good or remember this won’t last forever. There was a time a few weeks back when I would get so anxious and so worked up about not dancing and feeling so powerless in my everyday life, that I would feel literally sick. There are days when I honestly don’t want to hear what the Lord has to say to me because I’m scared it’s not going to be what I want to hear. 

But He never gives up.

He has been showing Himself to me in the most subtle ways, but ways that He knows mean everything to me. He comes to me in songs. I will wake up singing a song I haven’t sung in years, and they aren’t even Christian songs, but through them, He is whispering to me that He is here. He is loving on me. He has also placed a physical person in my life to literally wipe my tears and take care of me. It’s like He gave me my own personal angel. Every time my angel does something to take care of me, I hear a small whisper to my heart from my Jesus that He loves me. He loves me and He truly cares about me. He sees every tear, hears every doubt, knows all of my loss, and loves me. 

I used to get mad at myself for crying. I thought my tears were signs that I didn’t trust Him enough or that I didn’t believe that this was in His plan for my good. I have been learning, that it is ok to cry. There is a time to cry. Not to cry and wallow forever, but to be sad and grieve. King David knew the Lord and knew His heart, yet he still cried and asked, “Why?!” Even my angel has been teaching me it’s ok to cry, to let go of my pride and find the peace that comes after a good cry, like a rainbow after the rain. The rainbow of His true promises. 

These are some of the promises I have been nailing to my heart:

He is my Healer.
Nothing is impossible for Him.
He is my time Perfecter.
He holds my world in His hands.
He has not forgotten me.
His strength will carry me through anything.
Even the winter won’t last forever.
Joy comes in the morning.
He tells me to live.
All new things, He declares.
I am not a mystery to Him.
He will not leave me undone.
His grace is sufficient.
He knows what I need.
Mystery is grace.
He is the source of true restoration and security.
His word does not return empty.
His word is a light.
His plans are still to prosper.
He is sovereign.
I am not alone.
He is fighting for me.
He wants to take care of me.
He wants to promote me.
He deserves all the glory.

I know in my heart that this is only the very beginning of the adventure He is taking me on. I have to admit, I’m trying to convince myself that this is exciting, though I know I will be forever changed by it. 

Here is the song on my heart today:

Breaking You
By Audrey Assad

You’ve been let down, it’s true

Your pain is so easy to see

You’re haunted by your history

And it feels like you’ve got no escape

Your life left you high and dry

You used to be sure of yourself

But then your whole world went to hell

And tomorrow looks just like today

So, you lie on your bed, you won’t let the morning come in

And you hide in your room, feeding that fear and it’s killing you

Don’t you know

That it’s killing me too, cause your heart break is breaking you

I miss the life in your eyes

The home that I found in your arms

And now you don’t know who you are

But I won’t give up on you


You lie on your bed, you won’t let the morning come in

And you hide in your room, feeding that fear and it’s killing you

Don’t you know

That it’s killing me too, cause your heart break is breaking you

And you lost your fire

And your flame’s gone out

And your down on your knees

Cause your life is not what you thought it would be


Lift up your head

Help is on the way

And it won’t pass you by

You just gotta reach out your hand

Lift up your eyes

Love is on the way

And it won’t pass you by

You just gotta reach out your hand

Go on and lift up your head

Because love is on His way

And He won’t pass you by

You’ve just gotta reach out your hand

Talk to me here*